Scott, I know of two reasons why your chores take so long.
#1 - the pot lid is not a shield, the butter knife is not a sword and if you would put them away instead of pretending that they are, the job would go quicker.
#2 - I bet you could put the silverware away faster with your feet on the ground rather than sitting perched atop the counter.
But neither of those things would be any fun at all, would they? And if you can't learn to enjoy the little things in life, like putting away the dishes, well you're going to have a pretty boring life. So good job, Scott!